i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize