your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
