Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
