Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
