That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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