I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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