i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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