Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
