areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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