Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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