Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
