I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
