He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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