is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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