my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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