I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
