I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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