Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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