we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
