She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
