I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
