The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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