Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
