I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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