Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
