I CAN MOONWALK!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
