You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
