I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We smell like vodka and hangover
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