Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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