The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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