I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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