i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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