Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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