Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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