No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
