Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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