I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
