we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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