the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
