Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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