the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
