I wish I could teleport
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
