My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
