Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize