dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize