you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
