Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He? As in you personified your dick?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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