i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
