I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
