i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
PANTIES FOUND
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