I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
