put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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