I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
