Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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