I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
